Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
