you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
