sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
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