tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
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