There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
I figured if he was OK cheating on his gf with a guy, he'd be OK with me posting his number to m4m Craigslist Ads
The dick lei will go down in squad history
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
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