I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Randomize
