No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
Randomize
