My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
I think my moral compass just broke
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
Randomize
