Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
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