watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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