Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
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