My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
Randomize
