he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
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