Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
i drank out of a bidet.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
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