just do him I won't tell jon
um i'm guessing you meant to send this to tina, thanks for the support in our relationship you whore
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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