my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
