I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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