He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
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