i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
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