Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
