I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
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