I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Randomize
