Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Randomize
