Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Randomize
