We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
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