the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
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