im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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