This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
I am midnight drunk by noon
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize
