Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
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