I hate your face
please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
