My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
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