youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
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