I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
