i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
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