My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
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