he wants to bone in the snuggie
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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