I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
So my game is weak??
If your game is "Lets have sex, and maybe pizza" then yes.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Randomize
