You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
