I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
Randomize
