I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
