if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Randomize
