Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
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