My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Randomize
