i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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