so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
