You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
Randomize
