You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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