My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Randomize
