Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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