Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Randomize
