dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
