I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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