Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
Randomize
