The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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